Right, when was the last time I blogged?
I think it was Saturday...
I actually wanted to talk about Sunday, but somehow I don't feel like it anymore.
There was something about 'Best Husband Forever', but forget it...
There are much more stuff actually
Anyway, I'm like starting school at 6pm to 9pm EVERYDAY
for one whole block!
Stupid CDS thing
It's REALLY UNFAIR
but lecturers just want to get this trouble off their list
so they can't be bothered with us
and just tell us to choose like immediately and the subjects that we want were all gone
Me and my husband squeezed in last in Italian for evening and morning respectively
And so, we're separated AGAIN
I guess we're just not fated
Damnit... I want to go morning class with her!!
Life just sucks sometimes, actually most of the time for me
even though I'm trying to get rid of that thought
but it always comes back to me
I just finished a book yesterday
and the main character said something:
'I sleep a lot. The world is going crazy so I sleep. I think things might make sense when I wake. But they don't so I sleep again.'
Somehow it just reminds me of myself.
Whenever I did something wrong, or I was feeling like I did, I sleep.
My mind just completely shuts itself immediately after the mistake was done and all I wanted to do is sleep.
Get myself out of the world.
Trying to forget the mistake, but it never succeeded before.
Every time this happens, the mistake that I'd done would stay in my head for the rest of my life.
For example, in Primary School, I think I was Primary six, I was screamed at by my teacher because me and my friend did not see her when we were told to do so. I was scolded for not reading without covering my face with my book, scolded for speaking too softly, scolded for answering when I'm not supposed to. In that year, I'd also attended camp, and I fell from the stupid 'trust' game because I trusted people who I shouldn't have trusted. When I came back home, I first thing I did was cry myself to sleep.
Another example, in secondary school, I was scolded by Ms A when I rolled my eyes when she wanted us to write a summary. She was telling the whole class about somebody not being happy about her decision after she announced the news. I didn't even realise it was me until she came over to me and screamed at me. I didn't do that on purpose, it was a reflex action, but how could I tell her that. And my mind shut off after that and I slept immediately after reaching home.
There is definitely something wrong with my brain.
I cannot remember the happy times, but only the worse times in my life.
So when people ask me to tell them about my life, I didn't want to tell them because I honestly don't remember it. All I remember are these mistakes that I've done.
And I don't want them to think I'm trying to get them to sympathise me.
Sometimes, I want to go to a shrink and ask whether I can turn my damn brain around.
But hell no, I can't do that because I think the first thing I'll do when I talk to a shrink is cry.
It's stupid.
And now all I want to do is sleep again.
Sleep until everyone forgets about me.
Or sleep until I forget about everyone and everything.
Today, I suddenly had the thought that maybe it'll be good for me to have a short term memory.
I mean just like a movie I've watched before.
There was this guy who got to know a girl.
He really likes her but soon he discovers that she has short term memory
She can only remember things that happened in a day
The next day when she wakes up, she forgets about everything that happened the day before
and goes back to the day she thought it was
If only I could sleep and wake up the next morning to find that I've done no mistakes the previous day, maybe I would be happier
Or maybe I can leap back to the time I want to undo my mistake
So I don't have to think about what I'd done before and regret but can't do anything about it
I know great people always say things like,
to err is human
mistakes would make you grow blah blah
But mistake only make me shrink even further
I think my real height now is only 50cm
until one day I become invisible to the human eye

P.S.
And I just found out that I have to take my CDS (italian) all by myself AGAIN
Like how I've managed Japanese
FUCK
Do I have to take ALL CDS ALL BY MYSELF for THREE YEARS?
FUCKING HELL
Now I really want to forget
I am so going to sit at a corner and emo by myself for the whole block/month
except during group work where I have no choice of course...